Postpartum Depression
My Story and
The symptoms I experienced

I have worked with a wide variety of clients with many mental health issues in an outpatient setting. I have learned that depression and anxiety are especially troublesome within the female population. Postpartum Depression is very difficult and challenging to manage.  Many women don’t understand what is happening to them, and why they feel so down, tired and disconnected. The most amazing thing has just happened to them.  They are now mothers. However, they are not feeling very amazing or happy about the idea. This triggers guilt, disappointment, fear, shame, etc. Thirty three years ago I suffered Postpartum Depression with no knowledge or understanding about what was happening to me. This was one of the most challenging and scary experiences of my life. The following is my story.  

  “I felt overwhelmed, suicidal, scared, anxious, and depressed”
   
As a young mother I experienced a weird anomaly and had no idea what was happening to me. I had just had my first baby and yes she did cry, but for the most part she was a good patient little girl. Nevertheless, I felt overwhelmed, suicidal, scared, anxious, depressed and in way over my head.​​
  
In 1985, postpartum depression was rarely talked about. If mental illness was brought up in a conversation it was quickly shutdown because no one wanted to appear like they were LOSING IT!  I just thought that I was going CRAZY with mood swings up some days and down other days. Some days I was up and down all day and other days very down. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and this was very scary. I never talked about them with anyone. I did not want anyone to think that I could hurt myself or my baby. That was just pure craziness. I was embarrassed, but mostly I felt shame and disgust along with worthlessness, hopelessness, overwhelmed, and lonely all the time. On top of the mood swings I could not get into any of my clothes.  I felt so unattractive, how could my husband even look at me?  I was literally crazy. I never imagined that I would ever be like this. I was once happy-go-lucky and enjoyed life. The whole situation was so depressing and I felt like I was drowning and would never be able to find my way to the surface.

My first baby was born in January, (flu season) and the doctor told me that I could not take her out. In 1985 there was 21 days of fog in January. We lived in a basement apartment; I was twenty-years old and beyond miserable. There are no words to describe my emotional turmoil. My husband did all that he could to help, but he was in school and didn’t know how to help. I felt like a cow literally and just wanted to die.

Exercising Saved Me
  
It was at this time that I came across exercising. We were poor college students, so shopping was out of the question.  At this point I was angry and seriously wondering what I had done and how could I get out! I wanted to roll back time and be single. I didn’t realize how amazing single life was until I didn’t have it any more. Being married, having a family and responsibility was overrated. I hated my life at this point and needed some relief. Not knowing what to do or how to help me, my husband suggested that maybe we could get an exercise bike. He had read that exercise helped depression. Well you can guess where that led, but after bawling and no other ideas, I decided an exercise bike couldn’t hurt, so we went out and bought a cheap one at “BEST.” I had never had to exercise a day in my life except for in P. E., but that was a mandatory class through grade school, junior high and high school. I never had to exercise to lose weight or to get rid of depression!

I began riding the bike for 15, 20, 30, 45 minutes and then an hour. We were too poor to even have a television, so I moaned and pestered my husband until he gave in and we were able to rent a television for $25.00 a month. This made me feel worse about myself. I berated myself over and over for being selfish, a terrible mother (How dare I take away from my baby) and I was an awful wife to want so much, but I have to admit that the television made riding that bike bearable.

I was determined to get back into my clothes. I didn’t believe that it could help my depression. I was convinced that the depression would never go away! My vanity was what saved me.  As I continued to ride the bike I slowly lost the baby weight, but that was not the most amazing part. I hate to admit it, but my husband was right. I began, after roughly three weeks, to feel better emotionally.  I was stronger physically and I could feel it throughout my whole being. I wasn’t so tired. I could get up in the middle of the night and take care of my baby and did not drag the next day.  I liked the fact that I could get back into my “Big Pants,” and then my “Medium Pants” and finally my “Pre-pregnancy Pants.” 

“I loved the feel of the warm sun soaking into me”
  
We were now at the end of February and emotionally and mentally I was feeling more like myself. In March the sun began to stay out longer. The days were warming up and I could leave the house and I did! I, with my baby girl, went on a walk every day, weather permitting. I loved the feel of the warm sun soaking into my postpartum, depressed, anxious and winter-worn body and mind.  It took 9 months for me to pull out of my slump. It was not easy or enjoyable, but after 9 months I felt like I had accomplished something! SOMETHING REALLY BIG!

My husband and I still did not know what it was. We did not talk about it outside of our home. I didn’t even tell my mother until years later, and that SUCKS! To feel like you have to hide and pretend that everything is okay when it’s really out of control and you are spiraling helpless into a big dark bottomless pit that you are sure you will never be able to crawl out of. My postpartum was, and has been to this day, one of the most terrifying experiences that I have ever gone through. By pure luck, I got a miracle and out of desperation I rode that bike like “A Bat Out of Hell.” It literally saved my life!
                                                                                                                     -- Heidi H. Cheney
My experience with postpartum fails to compare to what some women are now experiencing or have experienced in their own lives. All I know is that postpartum depression is real and I want to be the therapist on the forefront. I don’t want anyone to have to live through it out of ignorance, fear or embarrassment. There is a better way to manage and make it through POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION! Postpartum Depression is not just the “Baby Blues.” It can be life threatening to the mother and her baby and in some cases it has destroyed families! This does not have to be the case. There is Help!

  • Exercising worked for me, but it may not work for everyone.
  • Therapy from a qualified therapist can help you navigate the overwhelming emotions you are experiencing.
  • In some cases medication, in addition to therapy, may be needed to effectively manage this difficult time.

Just know that there are people who have been there and who can help.
 
If you need someone to talk to, let me be the person to help you work through it. 
--Heidi    801-836-5555